EARS ON STALKS

Marvellous Melbourne?

2007-08-02T14:19:00.001+10:00

The scene: BBI kitchen

Me (wrestling with bin lid and banging it suddenly): sorry!
Scary woman: Oh I’m amazed that you don’t have one of those things that hold the lid up – they all do in Adelaide.
Me: Righty-o!
Scary woman: …it’s a very backwards town, Melbourne. You don’t have anything that we do in Adelaide. There’s things we’ve been doing over there for 30 years that you don’t do here!
Me: Sorry to alarm you like that…
Scary woman: (gesturing to BBI). I mean, you’re ahead with fashion and art and all that, but environmental…you’re very backwards.
Me: Um.
Scary woman: I’ve lived in Adelaide for 56 years. Been here for three.
Me: I was born here.
Scary woman: You wouldn’t know. I don’t like it. Melbourne’s a dodgy, dodgy town. Very dirty, nasty.
Me: Perhaps you should move back home then.

(beats a hasty retreat)

-BBI kitchen, Brunswick

Art Appreciation 101

2007-07-12T12:30:00.000+10:00

Art-lover: Well it doesn't set my dick on fire!

-Guggenheim exhibition, NGV

270 million people can't be wrong

2007-06-22T10:01:00.000+10:00

Western Union clerk (looking over filled-out form): I didn't know that London was in the Ukraine.

They do things differently up there

2007-06-21T10:57:00.000+10:00

Posh lady, to her husband: You know back in the day, Sydney was a one-and-a-half horse town. And half a dog!

-Upfield line

How to impress your potential in-laws

2007-06-14T12:17:00.000+10:00

Mr Boyle:It looks just like a penis, only larger!
Girlfriend's mum: Hmm, I might just have to see that.

-South Island, New Zealand

Only funny to non-Aussies (but still funny)

2007-06-14T10:11:00.000+10:00

Customs officer to Sikh immigrant at the airport: Have you come here to die?

(Just channel the Kath & Kim accent)

Channel 7 "experts" do it again...

2007-06-08T16:48:00.000+10:00

"People only have babies when the economy's good. Everyone's optimistic, and they get bank loans and so on. Of course, in the Depression and the second World War, nobody was having any children."

-Someone for whom the phrase Baby Boomer means nothing, Sunrise, 8am

And a handful of cold gravel

2007-06-07T10:32:00.000+10:00

Grandad: In my day, a sweet was an orange!
Grandma: A sweet was an orange, dear.
Grandson:....

-Upfield line

Welcome!

2007-06-06T12:54:00.000+10:00

Welcome to Ears On Stalks! The blog for sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies and dickheads. And bogans. Here in Melbourne we have the lot, and they’re all saying crazy shit in public places.

Do you find yourself the unwitting spectator to life’s rich tapestry? Always on the receiving end of the daily dramas on your train? If you hear some damn funny dialogue outside the law courts, or in line at Lord of the Fries, or waiting at the doctor’s for your STD test, or when lurching past the Casino at 3am, why not become a contributor?

Drop me a line at my email, which can be found on the profile page, right. Then you can upload things whenever you like. When I, er, figure out all that malarkey. Perhaps you have a one-off comment you can’t keep to yourself? If you want to just email your hilarious anecdote for me to upload, then do that too!

And if you’re not from Melbourne but overhear some drollery I’m sure we can bend the rules a bit. Let’s face it, weird stuff happens from Broadmeadows to Burkina Faso.

Lend us your ears!