Marvellous Melbourne?

The scene: BBI kitchen

Me (wrestling with bin lid and banging it suddenly): sorry!
Scary woman: Oh I’m amazed that you don’t have one of those things that hold the lid up – they all do in Adelaide.
Me: Righty-o!
Scary woman: …it’s a very backwards town, Melbourne. You don’t have anything that we do in Adelaide. There’s things we’ve been doing over there for 30 years that you don’t do here!
Me: Sorry to alarm you like that…
Scary woman: (gesturing to BBI). I mean, you’re ahead with fashion and art and all that, but environmental…you’re very backwards.
Me: Um.
Scary woman: I’ve lived in Adelaide for 56 years. Been here for three.
Me: I was born here.
Scary woman: You wouldn’t know. I don’t like it. Melbourne’s a dodgy, dodgy town. Very dirty, nasty.
Me: Perhaps you should move back home then.

(beats a hasty retreat)

-BBI kitchen, Brunswick

Art Appreciation 101

Art-lover: Well it doesn't set my dick on fire!

-Guggenheim exhibition, NGV

270 million people can't be wrong

Western Union clerk (looking over filled-out form): I didn't know that London was in the Ukraine.

They do things differently up there

Posh lady, to her husband: You know back in the day, Sydney was a one-and-a-half horse town. And half a dog!

-Upfield line

How to impress your potential in-laws

Mr Boyle:It looks just like a penis, only larger!
Girlfriend's mum: Hmm, I might just have to see that.

-South Island, New Zealand

Only funny to non-Aussies (but still funny)

Customs officer to Sikh immigrant at the airport: Have you come here to die?

(Just channel the Kath & Kim accent)

Channel 7 "experts" do it again...

"People only have babies when the economy's good. Everyone's optimistic, and they get bank loans and so on. Of course, in the Depression and the second World War, nobody was having any children."

-Someone for whom the phrase Baby Boomer means nothing, Sunrise, 8am